I have hit a new low. A couple of new lows. I am sorry I have no good news to share this new month. I am an extremely sad person and the only thing you can be sure of is that my life doesn’t change by day. It moves in waves. Some days are much sadder than others but generally, I am barely happy.
This month has been a roller-costar of emotions. Never have I cried and lamented so much in a month.
Forgive me but I haven’t called the psychologist that I said I’d call earlier. I don’t know what to tell her. I feel like I am hugely responsible for how I am feeling. I feel like I am the one that has put myself in the position am in. What do I even tell her. I don’t have the strength and energy to retell and tell my mental health stories anymore.
I haven’t been home for the entire month. I have been staying at my friend’s place. I am afraid that if I go back home, my mental health will sink lower and lower. I feel like the more I think about it the more I do not want to go back there. I will eventually have to because I am not in a position to pay for my own expenses. Until then, I’ll stay here.
I have been thinking of doing drugs a little too much. Maybe weed and alcohol. It scares me that the thought has been occupying my mind for the entire month. I am sure that when I start I will overdo it but I really need to find an escape to my pain. I feel kind of guilty for feeling that way but I really need it. Anyone who is reading this should advise me on whether I actually should.
I have this desire to deeply connect to someone like in a love relationship but I am afraid that my mental health will mess this up. I do not want anyone to get messed up because they had to deal with my mental health. I know that I can really love If I wanted to but I hate the idea that someone else has to deal with my mental breakdowns and my suicidal thoughts.
On the flip side, this month has graced me with a lot of opportunities to meet new people and make new friends. The COVID-19 travel restrictions have been lifted o we can easily meet friends. I’ve been overdoing it for the time being yet it has been good for my mental health.
I am struggling to write this piece because I literally needed to push myself to finish the piece. Just like the previous one, I told myself that I have to write and share today even if it comes out half nicely done. I guess ‘done is better than perfect.’