HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE DEPRESSION TO A STRANGER? (DAY 2)

           I was curious to know how other people would describe depression if they were to so. I visited this post where people that are going through depression were using phrases to describe what they are going through.

I could relate to all of them in a way. I particularly liked one where someone said that depression is losing the desire to partake in life.

That’s the most conclusive one I got. That would be what I would have described my entire feelings.

It’s not a complete piece if I don’t genuinely describe my depression to you. The prompt is about describing it to a stranger, so here we go strangers:

Most mornings I wake up feeling like I don’t want to wake up. I made it a joke to complain like a cock in that movie whose name I cannot remember that used to lament each morning like,” what! It’s morning again?”

Sometimes I ask God to kill me at night and it disappoints me when I wake up alive. I am not planning to kill myself. chill.  I will be grateful though if I died anytime now. I’m sorry I have to. Honesty. That is what am trying to achieve.

I think about death a lot. I imagine that it is peaceful. Less demanding than life. Less exhausting. I like life too. Love it. I just don’t think I fit in here. I feel too dead to be alive.

I feel tired. Constantly. I might have slept for the entire day but feel tired. I wake up tired. I sleep tired. I feel tired of being tired. I feel tired of friends.

I feel hungry but I’m too tired to eat. I want to eat but two spoons in the feeling just goes away and all that’s left is tiredness. I feel too exhausted to pick up the spoon. It’s not heavy. It’s the feeling that even the good food is tasteless. Just like my life.

It’s sometimes the feeling that I am a strong woman, I am a force, I know exactly what I want in life but something is stopping me. Not doubt. well, sometimes its self-doubt. For me its not that I don’t know I can do all these things. It is the fact that I know that I can do them but I have no will to do them. Not will. Well, kind of will. The will to live is lacking and so does the will to do anything.

I know I am pretty but I also have never felt pretty my whole life. I hear people say it to me. I don’t believe it. I am so unsure of it that I feel weird writing this part. It’s like no matter how much I hear it, no matter how long and hard I work for my body.

It’s always been lost in thoughts without being able to place the thought. Its thinking about a thousand things at the same time but still thinking about nothing at the same time. It’s feeling lost and overwhelmed in thoughts constantly.

The only time my thoughts calm is when I’m sleeping but then the nightmares come in. It’s like never finding peace even in the calmest of times. Say I’d be in the swimming pool with friends. I would be calm cause water makes me calm but at the same time I feel uneasy and lost in the calmness of the moment. There was that one time when I almost drowned while swimming because I was going under water but forgot that I was under water.

And that’s the whole point. Never feeling present. It’s like I am in the pool but in my room at the same time. I know that I am in that room but my mind is in a thousand different places at the same time. Sometimes I try to fight the feeling but then it is impossible.

I am constantly distracted by my own thoughts, the sounds around and everything but nothing in particular. I even don’t know how to describe this. I feel like the entire piece is all over. I have looked at my phone, drank water, changed my Instagram profile and cooked while still doing this post.

Everything seems like a priority. I know I NEED to clean the utensils, to cook for myself and workout. I plan out for all when I really need to. When it comes to doing them, it takes longer. That’s because I find myself lost in these moments. I will be washing utensils and then suddenly just get stuck in the moment staring into the blank space.

My entire body aches. I work out and stretch with yoga. Honestly, I haven’t been consistent for months now. The intention is there still. The point is even when I have done yoga, I feel tensed and ached. It hurts in the stomach and not the heart. The pain is at the legs but still in the headaches.

I just don’t know anything yet. I don’t know what I love anymore or hate. When someone asks me about the last time I was truly happy I cannot tell them. Heck I don’t even know what happiness is anymore.

I constantly feel guilty about stuff. When I forget to apply for a job and the deadline passes, I feel terrible. When I apply for the job and get no response, I feel guilty for not qualifying for the job. I feel guilty for things that are not my fault. I know I shouldn’t but the feeling is there.

Don’t get me started on sex. It’s dry and distasteful. I would describe it in other words but I ought to stop writing now or else I will write too much of this.

Depression cannot be described. Everyone can use a different description for it but I assure you that the bottom line is that life becomes tasteless.

Published by La Protagoniste

I hope to find my healing by writing. one story at a time!

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